Monday, February 1, 2016

Letting Kids Fail Sometimes

Are you shocked by the title? Do I have your attention?

Sometimes we need to let kids fail. How else will they learn skills to handle adversity? We are supposed to experience problems as we go through life and hopefully get better and better at dealing with them. Kids need practice solving the smaller stuff so they have confidence to solve the bigger stuff later.

Attached is a link to an article about this subject. I encourage you to read it if you have time. https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-you-should-let-your-child-fail-the-benefits-of-natural-consequences/

Don't have time for the full article? Here are some of the main points:
  • Parents worry that if a kid fails at something school related, they'll have problems catching up later. Parents often fail to realize that the failure is also a growth opportunity for their child, so s/he can learn skills to better plan their future.
  • "It’s often stated that the Chinese symbol for “crisis” is a combination of the symbols for “danger” and “opportunity.” I think that parents see the danger part very clearly in a crisis, but often they don’t see the opportunity: your child has the opportunity to learn an important lesson."
  • Do you think asking teachers to change your student's grade is a good idea? No, what your child is going to learn is that they don’t have to take responsibility for their ineffective behavior—that somebody else is going to fight for them.
  • Your child got an F?  "It’s his/her responsibility to experience the natural consequences of his/her actions. And the biggest consequence is that your child has failed. To me, this is not the end of the world, it’s a lesson, just like anything else designed to help him/her see that s/he’s not making the grade. Receiving a failing grade is a gauge of how s/he’s doing, and if s/he’s failed something, s/he needs to solve the problem responsibly."
  • "Failure is an opportunity to get your child to look at himself. Part of parents’ sensitivity to this is that if their child fails, they feel like they’ve failed, too. You want to say, “What more can I do?” But the question really is, “What more can my child do?” It’s not “What am I not doing as a parent?” It’s “What is he not doing as a student?” That’s the right question to ask yourself."
  • "Somehow in our culture, protecting your child from discomfort—and the pain of disappointment—has become associated with effective parenting.  Personally, I think that’s a dangerous trap parents fall into. While I don’t think situations should be sought out where a child is uncomfortable, I do think if that child is uncomfortable because of some natural situation or consequence, you should not interfere."
  • "Look at it this way: when a child is feeling upset, frustrated, angry or sad, they’re in a position to develop some important coping skills. The first thing they learn is to avoid similar situations."
  • "Discomfort is such a part of our life, whether you’re squeezed into a subway car, waiting in line at the supermarket, or passed over for a promotion. It’s so important for your child to be able to learn how to manage those situations and to develop a tolerance for them. And make no mistake, if he doesn’t learn to tolerate discomfort, he’s going to be a very frustrated adolescent and adult."
  • "When you shield your child from discomfort, what he learns is that he should never have to feel anything unpleasant in life. He develops a false sense of entitlement. He learns that he doesn’t really have to be prepared in school, because his parents will complain to the teacher, who will stop calling on him or expecting his homework to be in on time. He learns that his parents will raise the tolerance for deviance. If his parents are successful, the teacher will tolerate less compliance from him because of his parents’ intervention. He learns to confront a problem with power rather than dealing with it through responsibility and acceptance."
It takes a village to raise happy, healthy adults from childhood. The road is bumpy for a reason. We need to build callouses to not let every small discomfort rock our world.

Do you need help with your parenting skills? Come on in to room 201 and we can talk about options.



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